Squares, among other things
by arielbelle
Summary: after the rains, Wanda moves into the caves with Ian. What happens when unrequited feelings form a love square? reviews are welcome.


Disclaimer: As always, I do not own The Host. I think it is my favorite book though, and I realized that I hadn't written anything and published it about the Host. I decided to write this because I was never completely satisfied with Jared and Wanda's ending. I want you to know that I do thoroughly love Ian. I may also make the opposite angle, using Ian and Mel's decision to be together because I truly wish Ian and Mel had been together too. I'm so messed up lol. I know I rushed it along, but I intended for it to be more of a rash decision than a pulled out one. The kind of feelings those four have isn't interchangeable but I do think that there's merit to the confusion they all feel. That being said, I'm not sure if this is a oneshot or something I'd continue with. So please leave me reviews if you enjoyed this.

Pet's dreams are too vivid. I wake up finding my heart flitting and my soul aching for my… I mean, Pet's mother. I shake my head and a tear runs down my cheek.

Ian and I are in our cave, Ian's big body taking up about 75% of the space on our mattress. I sigh and he shifts slightly, allowing no room for me to move. I try to stretch and he takes up more space. I shake my head and kiss his forehead before standing up. I cast one last look backward at him and I frown as I notice he is now taking up the whole mattress. _Oh well, I couldn't sleep anyway._ As I walk near the field, I decide that it's around 3 am due to the position of the light from the moon falling softly on the field. I smile and sit down in the middle. I hug my knees to my chest and I reflect on how quickly life had changed in the caves since I became Wanda and not Mel.

Melanie Stryder is my best friend, but recently I noticed she doesn't think of me as her equal anymore. She now treats me as if I were a child. Technically this body is a child still. I'm 17 but the rest of the cave believes I'm 18. I groan and lay back using my arms and hands as a pillow. I hear a noise but I ignore it; sometimes there are people who wander at night too. As long as I don't make a bunch of noise, we don't bother each other. I feel someone plop down next to me and I shift so I can look over at them.

Jared Howe is smiling at me in the dark. I smile back and look up at the moon. He shifts so that he is facing me. I do the same and look at him. Sometimes the feelings that course through me surprise me. I have trouble separating Wanda/Mel from Wanda. He looks into my eyes and my heart hits the bottom of my stomach. It's a problem, but I don't say so. No one knows how these feelings affect me. I couldn't tell anyone because it would cause problems. The truth of the matter is that I still love Jared. I cannot help it; it's ingrained in my mind. My whole soul loves Ian but there's a part of me that still finds confusion when I gaze into his eyes.

"Why aren't you sleeping, Wanda?" He asks his voice soft. Knowing that tomorrow will come too soon, I think I should probably head to bed. Instead I indulge myself in something I know I shouldn't. I shift my gaze to his lips for a moment and I notice with a start that he's doing the same. I blush and Pet's heart goes nuts. _My heart_. I shrug, still getting used to this body. "Pet's memories are harder than Mel's were. They stick in my brain, in my dreams, and in my heart." I say, biting down on my lip.

"I imagine that is hard on you." His hand sneaks on to my arm and the nerve endings explode. I take a breath and I imagine that it comes out as a hiss. He sneaks a glance at me and laughs, removing his hand. The blush deepens and he shakes his head. "I need to sleep." I say and I begin to sit up. Jared's voice cuts through the dark as a cloud passes over the moon. "Stay a little while longer, please." When I don't answer he says "Wanda?" I look at his face, now illuminated by the soft moonlight. "I'm here Jared." I say and my heart goes crazy. He kisses my cheek and I feel that hot fire spread across my face. Just because I'm not in Mel's body anymore doesn't mean I don't still feel. He and I share a few jokes and we talk about the rains from last week. Shortly after, I fall asleep with his hand on my arm. He must have fallen asleep as well.

I wake up the next morning back in the room, my body lying across the bottom of the mattress and Ian keeping at the top. I move and I hear a crinkle in my pocket. I sit up and pull the piece of paper out and spread it open. On it are the words _you are a cute sleeper._ I blush because it's in Jared's handwriting. He must have carried me to the room. I smile to myself. I hide the note with my few possessions. I have a box with a lock that Jared had gotten me on a raid. I smile and shut it and lock it before I hide it again. Afterwards I wake Ian up. We go to the kitchen together, his arm protectively around me. I grin after he kisses my forehead. Someday soon, Ian is going to want to have sex. I'm not ready. I love Ian but the confusing feelings about Jared have me wondering if maybe I wasn't destined to be alone. He brings me a bowl full of lukewarm eggs. Yesterday Jared, Mel, Kyle, and Sunny had gone out on a raid. I'm still not sure that everyone trusts Sunny, but with Jared and Kyle there it wasn't possible for her to out us all.

After our breakfast, I go to work in the fields. Although I don't get to do any heavy lifting, I can still pull weeds. As I work, I watch Jared out of the corner of my eye. He purposefully picked this field today and I am curious as to why. I don't ask though. I catch him peeking at me and when he catches my eye, he winks. I shake my head and continue my work, lost in thought. Ian comes to get me at lunch time and we eat some bologna and cheese sandwiches. My body cannot handle much food but Jamie and Ian who sit next to me eat until they're groaning. I shake my head. Jared and Mel join us as I'm finishing up. I feel Jared's leg bump into mine and I meet his gaze for half a second. The thoughts that flit through my brain are impure so I drop my eyes before anyone notices. When I glance at him later, he has a smirk plastered on his face.

I have noticed more often recently that Ian and Mel have chemistry not that much unlike the one I have with Jared. They don't say it and it's an unspoken idea that we all keep quiet about it. But recently I have noticed Mel flirting with Ian. I don't say anything because it's not my place to, but I feel a little jealous. However, it's nothing compared to me and Jared. I am glad that at least Jared doesn't make it as obvious as Mel. Ian grins at something Mel says and I look down at my crust.

The day goes by fast and the night does too. Once again, I cannot find myself to sleep normal. I woke up with a splitting headache. After a trip to the bathroom I find Jared sitting in the same place as the night before. I sit down next to him, rubbing my head. He looks concerned. "What's wrong Wanda?" "My head is hurting. I can't get it to go away with sleep because I can't sleep." I shake my head and he nods. "I can't sleep either." He said, feeling a chill through the cave. "I think the winter is finally coming." I nod and shiver. He moves closer, pressing our bodies together side by side. I smile softly and feel a little bit warmer. He grins at me. "I think this is a comfortable spot." I nod and close my eyes. I open them only when I feel his eyes on me. I meet his eyes with my own and he looks a bit love-struck. I try to define this idea with my own experiences but he's never looked at me this way. I blush, pushing my hair from my face. I'd been keen on keeping it up until recently. Jared had seemed interested in it since the beginning and even though I know in my mind it isn't a wise idea to keep my hair down for Jared (despite Ian's love of it being thrown up), I do it anyway because I enjoy the pleased smile when he looks at my hair. I'm failing miserably at getting over whatever feelings I have left over.

The next day is uneventful. Night comes. After I take a bath, I make my way to the kitchen. Usually we have an impromptu class but tonight there is only Freedom looking around for his mommy. After leading him back to his cave, I move to clean some dishes. Doc helps me before he leaves the room with a "Goodnight Wanda". I sit down next to where I usually make the bread and I reflect on my feelings as of late. Jared comes in, walking with a swagger usually saved for Mel. I raise my eyebrows but I don't say much.

Jared frowns. "What's up?" He asked his voice full of concern. I shake my head and smile a little. "I just… things are complicated." Jared laughs and I feel cold chills. "Wanda, things are about to get more complicated." I meet his eyes with confusion reflecting into mine. He smiles sadly. "I don't know how to say this so I'll just come out with it. It's your um… decision if you want to continue things but if not I understand." I wait patiently for the rest of his speech.

"Ian and Mel want to be together." He says bluntly and my heart breaks. Before the tears can overwhelm me, Jared tilts my chin up to look into his eyes. "I want to be with you. I understand if you don't feel the same, but… Mel and I talked about it. The fire between us is there, but there's something wrong with it. We can't even kiss like we used to; things just get muddled. And the more we talked, the more I realized that Ian felt for Mel what I feel for you." He brushed his large fingers across my cheek and I melted. "Jared… I want to be with you. But it will take some time. Ian was my mate. I mean, not in the traditional sense. We never um… consummated anything but the feelings." I trail off and he nods. "I understand. I didn't mean to upset you though. Due to the callousness of Ian and Mel, I made arrangements. You'll be sleeping in my room and Jeb and I are going to share his caves."

The tears are falling now, something I can't help. I swallow hard and he wraps his arm around me in a hug. "So… they've already moved in together?" I say and he nods. He doesn't meet my eyes but he whispers "I told them I'd tell you. I knew it would be too hard if Ian did." I nod, grateful for his line of thinking.

"When did they decide this?" I ask, not sure I want to know the answer. "About two hours ago, though I wonder if they didn't talk this through before. It seemed too thought out." I nod and I bit my lip. He gets up to leave and I say "Jared…" He looks back at me and I stand and walk to him. I move up against him and try to reach for his face. He bends down and I press my lips gently against his. The world erupts and the fire starts again. His body reacts, pressing me into him as his arms go around my waist. He groans and picks me up so we're more evenly matched. He's everywhere and it's not enough. I feel him press me into the sandy wall and I wrap my legs around his torso. He pulls away for a ragged breath and our eyes meet. I whisper "There is no need to stay in another room. We can figure things out as we go."

"I love you Wanda. I know that it's complicated, but we have felt this for a long time. I know that I was hurtful to you and I know that Ian is hurting you now. I want to take our time. But I want you to know that even if Mel and Ian hadn't decided to make it official, I would want to be with you. I knew it last night while I carried you to your bed. You set my heart on fire and make the life come back to me." His words make my broken heart mend and I know that without a doubt the world will go on. "I love you Jared Howe." He looks into my eyes and I kiss him softly. The world is crazy and chaotic but there is always a silver lining.


End file.
